No cheese please.

 I was told today 'you have lots to offer', in a conversation about finding a partner. It felt deeply ironic that those words came from someone who, actually, had recently decided they didn't want to pursue that avenue with me. 

'You have a lot to offer, but nothing that I want' he may as well have said.

I suppose that does make sense. 

Like how many varieties of cheese are there? Alexa informs me there are about 5000 varieties in the world. But there's not a single variety I'd want. I don't like cheese. People say 'how can you not like cheese, I love cheese!' or 'there must be one you like, what about 'xxxxx'?'.

Well, granted, I've not tried all 5000 varieties, but those I have tried I have not liked. And not only not liked, but my body is intolerant to it. Whenever I have eaten cheese, I shortly after spend a lot of time sat down on the porcelain.

Of course, as I am mostly plant based now, dairy doesn't come into my diet. It's easier to tell people that as the non-cheese eating reason than simply saying I don't like it. 

So, why can't friends just be honest? Just say it - 'James, you're a mess, and have nothing to offer anyone, there's not one reason for someone to want you'. Brutal perhaps, but I'm already well aware of this fact and so it wouldn't hurt for them to say it. Quite the contrary, it would show me some respect.

I could have 5000 dates, and all of them would want to be rid of me as fast as my body wants rid of any cheese I eat.

Of course, cheese isn't sentient, the cheese doesn't have to like the person as well as the person liking the cheese. There's no need for a mutual feeling. The animate and the inanimate. It's far more complicated in dating as the singleton seeks a spark, a connection, a vibe that goes both ways.

I don't think I can be bothered even with one more date, the effort, talking, telling about oneself, explaining the thing behind why I'm a little bit shit, something that soon becomes apparent in any conversation about myself. Only for all that effort to end again in disappointment.

I hate so much that companionship and sex is missing from my life. I'm a deeply feeling being so it feels exquisitely sore. No mere casual flings will satisfy my scary depth.

People like to say that you don't need someone to be happy. I don't really agree. I mean yes, if you can satisfy needs via hook ups and friends, then fine. But I want more. Even if I don't NEED someone, I WANT someone, and is that so bad? 

Afterall, try telling a cheese lover they don't need cheese and you'll see the look of horror on their face.